The blame game

M & me on her birthday last week

Last week, M turned 6.  It was a wonderful day.  It is our family tradition that on their birthday, the birthday girl gets a day with just them & me to do whatever they want, then meet up with the rest of the family for dinner and presents.  Despite a little anxiety, over all M had a wonderful day.  I can’t believe she is growing up so fast!

She has also been having a difficult summer.  There is less routine in the summer with day trips, vacations, and daycare while I am at work which is also not a set schedule.  She has been begging me to quit work and school and stay home with her and home school her…she is also terrified of going back to school since she has separation anxiety and social anxiety on top of all of the sensory and other issues she struggles with, with her Asperger’s and OCD. 

She has really been regressing in her behavior (becoming more aggressive, tried to run away a couple times, becoming somewhat less verbal, more anxious, and losing eye contact).  I believe we need to increase her medication (she has been on the same dose of Risperdone since late October) but her psychiatrist can’t get her in for another month.  I feel so bad for her when she struggles this much.  I also feel bad for my other daughters, especially A who is only 3 and takes a lot of the brunt of M’s verbal and physical aggression.  (She has never seriously hurt anyone but she does pinch/hit A and me). 

And all the time, but especially when things get tough, I can’t help but worry and look for all of the ways that I must have caused M’s autism.  I mean, that’s what our society wants us to believe.  Everyone points to ways it must have been due to choices the mother made, such as vaccinations, induced labor, diets including dairy and gluten…you name it.  Forget that there is no substantial evidence to support any of this.  I know that they do it to make themselves feel better.  They can think they are a better parent because they make different choices, and can thereby prevent their child from being autistic. We like to think we have moved past the times when we said autism was caused by mother’s not being nurturing enough, but we are still blaming mothers, just in different ways.

But I digress…regardless of the fact that I know all of this, I still look and look and come up with all kinds of ways her suffering with these awful symptoms like anxiety, depression and dyspraxia are, in fact, my fault.  I was very sick throughout the entire pregnancy.  Did I not get enough of a needed nutrient?  Was it the antibiotics I had to be on frequently, or the anti-nausea medication I needed to keep down any nutrients at all?  Was it the decaf coffee that my doctor assured me was perfectly safe?  Was it due to my prenatal and postpartum depression, or the antidepressants I was on when I was still nursing?  So many ways I could have failed her, failed my family.

I want to stress that I do not see autism in itself as an awful thing, but rather the symptoms that cause her so much emotional distress.  I do feel that I have done a lot.  I recognized red flags early on, did a lot of research, consulted specialists, and worked and worked to find an answer, find therapies, find materials and tools and ways I could help her at home.  I just wish there was more I could do, that I could turn back time and change something to make my baby happy, at peace with herself and the world rather than constantly battling with herself and her environment.

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Another day

Teamwork

I felt the need, the call, whatever to write a blog post today, though I am not sure what of the thoughts in my head to single out.  It has been a somewhat challenging week for my little ones, and for me too I suppose.  Things overall are good, but this evening I feel melancholy.  Maybe I’m just tired and need a full night’s sleep.  This morning my alarm woke me in the middle of a vivid dream…don’t you hate that?  It makes you start the day feeling disoriented and like something is left unfinished.

K is going through a rough patch, adolescence or something more I am not sure.  She hasn’t had a bad attitude or anything like that, but I suppose she is feeling a bit melancholy herself.  And she has the ACT coming up very quickly, so I need to focus and make sure she takes all of the practice tests, as well as a full run through the weekend before. 

My pink haired girl

The same day K takes the ACT, A has her last soccer game of the season and M has dance class and the big end of the year recital, where I promised to be a room mom. I will be glad when that day is over!

M is having a hard time with school drop offs (some days) and refuses to go to children’s church.  She is ignoring her teacher at school and finding it impossible to sit still at rest time (thankfully no rest time next year in “regular” kindergarten!). She did crack me up today.  She and A were playing and I overheard M say “your mom is dead, remember?  That means you can have whatever you want to drink.”. Oh my…black and white thinking at its hilarious best.  She started to get upset today when I didn’t take the usual route home.  She ended up calming down but that hasn’t been an issue, well, since she started her meds last fall.  It worries me when I see these little regressions.

M with her finished bowl for Empty Bowls

A has been OK.  Asthma acting up a little, as well as seasonal allergies & her extra-sensitive mosquito bite allergy.  Here in Michigan the mosquitoes are AWFUL this year.  Yesterday she got some bites and she swells badly.  One on her foot swelled so bad we can hardly get any shoe on her foot and it is painful to touch.  Poor baby 😦

Baby bear putting flowers on my grandparents' grave

Yesterday we put flowers on my maternal grandparents’ graves.  This is something we do every year at the same time, to remember them and show our love and respect.  We also do it at this time because it is a tangible but indirect (i.e. less painful) way to remember E, our 2nd child.  We do it on the day that would been E’s birthday according to due date (also less painful than observing on the day of loss).  E would have been 7 this month.  We did this a day later this year because the day before I was exhausted and not up to going, but it was still nice (though of course M complained it was boring so we didn’t stay long).

K putting flowers on the graves

And…as if it weren’t eventful enough, the kittens all had conjunctivitis and needed a trip to the vet for some drops.  Fortunately they are 100% better already.  They are out of the crate and wandering around the house.  They are playful, adorable and have their own personalities.  I love them so much and we will miss them when they are old enough for their new homes.  But, 7 cats is really not an option for our family…though we are still trying to convince the hubby to keep one, taking our cat total to 4.  K named them (2 males & 2 females): Doctor, Melody, Amy & Rory.  😉

Doctor, the cutest & most easy going kitten ever!

Sweet Amy fell asleep on a pillow

We will get to rejuvenate this weekend with a soccer game, a cookout with friends and planting our garden.  Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

Countdown

M & A dancing, posing, being silly

I can’t wait for the school year to be over!  I don’t think I have ever said that before.  While I am not a mom to look forward to my kids going off to school in the fall or dread them being home for the summer (on the contrary, I love the extra time with them, not to mention sleeping past 6am some days), K has always loved school so we didn’t count down the days.  Until this year.

M is really struggling.  I am pretty sure it is because she knows the end of the school year is coming up, and for a child who needs routine like air, that causes a lot of anxiety.  First of all, the routine changes a lot at the end of the year.  There is field day, a field trip, a day to visit her classroom for next year and a lot of other “specials” that just upset her.  Then there is knowing that school will be over which brings a ton of uncertainty and change.  She won’t see her teacher or para pro, and she loves them very much.  She won’t see the kids in her class, and a couple are actually kinda friends now.   She will have to go to work (daycare) with me, and the schedule and teachers are variable and it lacks the routine of a school day.  (Actually right now I have a very real fear that she will run away from daycare this summer…I am taking the rest of the week after her last day of school off to give her time to rest and adjust.). Then it starts all over in the fall with a new teacher, new aide, new classmates.

So right now every morning I have to dress her and drag her out the door and into the school, while the whole time she cries and threatens and melts down about not wanting to go to school.  She is not eating well anymore (she only wants junk food & is usually a great eater) and fights me on every little thing, asking me why I am so mean and why no one loves her or likes her.  She also has a long-term sub in computers which has really upset her (her teacher had a baby).  She used to like computers only, then computers & art, now just art.  She hates gym & especially music (sensory overload, anyone?)

I am ready to stop the daily fight to go to school.  Of course, getting her to stay with her group at daycare when I am right across the hall (I work with the infants & toddlers) will be even more difficult.  School has been good for her…I am glad I let her psychologist talk me out of my desire to home school (I.e. shelter) her…I didn’t want her to have to deal with all of the stress of a traditional school…but she has actually made a couple of friends (though not under her terms because she says you are only friends if you never disagree, which is why she only has one friend) and grown so much, learning to read, ride a bike & tie shoes all in the last month or so, as well as grow in so many other areas.

She seems to have found a new interest that helps calm her, though.  True to herself, like most of her obsessions this one is a song.  Last time it was Taylor Swift’s “Santa Baby” (in June!) Which grew to everything Taylor Swift.  Before that it was the Beatles, particularly the “Abbey Road” album.  This time, however, I am less pleased with her choice.  I really don’t want to hear it over & over because every time I hear it it takes forever to get it out of my head…and it isn’t even that good.  I provided a link so you can see for yourself, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.  It sure better help her calm down, or I’m going to pretend I can’t find it anymore!

The worst obsession yet…

Musings on Motherhood

Me & my wonderful family

Since today is Mother’s Day, I’ve been thinking a lot about what being a mom means to me.  And being me, I like to write things down, it helps me organize and clear my mind.  These are my musings on motherhood.

Being a mom means that I have been blessed and trusted with three amazing daughters to care for and raise.  I get to watch them grow and guide them.  I get to kiss their boo boos and help them up and encourage them to try again.  I get to experience their pains and their achievements.  I also have the responsibility of raising them to be the best they can be, to be happy, to be themselves, to leave the world better than they found it.

Being a mom means that, for reasons I will never know on Earth, my second child was born much too early, into the arms of Jesus.  I miss him every day but I am comforted to know that one day, when my work on Earth is complete, I will finally get to kiss his face and dance with him in my arms.

Being a mom means that no matter what, I must press on and keep going, because there are little ones who need me.  This is actually a positive thing.  Most days are very good, but some days are very hard…but I am able to keep going through everything and get out of bed every day because I have children who need me, and I would do anything for them.

Being a mom means that I have experienced the miracle of a child growing inside of me, of giving birth, of nursing, of feeling and watching my child breathe, their heart beat, their little hand curl around my finger.  As a parent I can’t imagine not believing in God, or not valuing every single life.  Every part of every life is an absolute miracle.  Don’t waste it, and don’t forget to see the miracle in every other human being.  God gave life to us ALL.  Choose to see the miracle.

Being a mom means that my children are growing.  The hardest part for me is letting go.  My baby will be in K-readiness in the fall.  My oldest will be going away to college in 6 years (or less).  I am not ready.  I will never be ready.  My heart is walking around outside my body, and one day it will fly away from me, and it will hurt, a lot…but that is a mother’s job.  It is the hardest and most amazing job to have.

Being a mom has always been wonderful but has not always been easy.  I was a single mom for over 4 years.  I have a daughter with autism.  I have had to leave my precious tiny babies with other caregivers to go back to work to put food on the table and a roof over our heads.  But I have also watched them sleep, been hugged countless times, watched them achieve the impossible, been a part of every day of their lives and been told I am the best mom ever.

Today my miracles gave me the gifts they had made for me at school…from A a plant in a pot she made and “mom” candle holders she made.  From M a clay heart necklace she made and a card she made and wrote all by herself.  From K a coupon book and a card that made me cry.  In this card she said some amazingly wonderful things including that she hopes if she ever has kids that she is as good a mom as I am to her and her sisters.  Isn’t that what every mother really wants to be?  Someone for her children to look up to and aspire to be like?   As much as I feel like I am doing it all wrong, I must be doing something right.

Being a mom, above all, means that I am blessed. 

Word…

Our cat Recycle

What a week!  I’d say I’m glad it’s Friday, but my husband is working Saturdays and we have a busy weekend.  Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all awful, there have been plenty of good things this week such as K’s conferences, being able to get her signed up for the last ACT of the school year at the last minute and A’s soccer practice.  It has been very busy though (I haven’t been home any evening this week and had lots of miscellaneous things to do like FAFSA…hardly fun) and overall challenging.  M has had a bit of a difficult week as well.  Today she had a few smallish meltdowns and a number of tics including constantly clearing her throat and smacking her jaw shut so her teeth clatter together. 

Then there was Wednesday…

M and I were hanging out on my bed.  Recycle (our male cat pictured above…his name is a long story that starts with him being found in a dumpster and ends with us adopting him) did something that M didn’t appreciate, I don’t even remember what it was.  M responded with “F*ing cat” (using the ACTUAL WORD which I could never in my life bring myself to say). 

I said “you can’t call him that!” (Shocked, of course, since we don’t say that word, or any cursing)

“Yes I can.  F*ing cat.” (Matter-of-factly)
“M, that is a very bad word and we don’t say that word.  You can’t say that word, OK?” (Panicking a little bit)
“Yes I can say it Mom, it’s easy.  F*ing, see, I can say it, it’s not hard.”

Now if we were talking about a neurotypical child I am sure they would be in trouble for being sassy.  But M is incapable of sarcasm and was completely serious.  She did not understand what the problem was and takes things very literally, so when I told her she couldn’t say it she thought I meant she was literally incapable of saying it.  I let her go for a little while.

Later that evening before dinner I found M and told her that is a very bad word and she is not allowed to ever say it.  When I asked if she understood she said “yes, Mommy”.

Some background:  I know she heard this word at least twice at the beginning of the year at school from 2 different boys with special needs along the same lines as M.  She had told me about it and I purposely didn’t give it much attention except to calmly remind her that is not a word we use because it is naughty.  I never heard anything about it again until a couple weeks ago when she called A an f*ing idiot, at which point she lost her “Friday treat”.  Every week each girl has to complete a certain goal and display good behavior, and on Friday they get to choose a small treat like chips or lip gloss.  I thought that was the end of it. 

Tonight I took M & A to get their Friday treats.  K did not earn hers this week and M was really on the edge due to using that word, and hurting me during a meltdown yesterday.  But she was pretty good today so I took her to get the fruit roll ups with tongue tattoos she wanted.  When we got home A, the last one out of the vehicle, asked M to close the door.  M went back to close it but said “why can’t you close the f*ing door yourself?”

URGH!  REALLY?!?

So I took her bag with her treat that she was SO CLOSE to having and told her that I could not let her have it tonight.

She begged.
She cried.
She said she understands why she can’t use the word, now.
I really, really wanted to give it to her.
She was SO CLOSE.

But I am a mom, and try to be a good mom, and being a good mom is not always fun.  It really did hurt me to not let her have her treat.  But I had told her one more incident and she couldn’t have it, and I had to stick to my word.  And I have to help her learn to control her compulsions.

This awful mix of ASD and OCD.  We worked and worked to get her not to say “I’m going to kill you” (oh, which she also said today) to help keep her safe and from getting expelled from school.  She has certain obsession words.  When she is anxious her primitive fight-or-flight brain gives her an overwhelming compulsion to say that word/phrase, and when she says it she feels better.  We know we can’t take away the compulsion so we have tried to change the obsession.  Apparently nothing we have tried has been strong enough to hold, so she has resulted in this very strong word as a replacement.  The problem is, aside from being wildly inappropriate, it will also probably get her suspended if she says it.  And she does not have an IEP to protect her, either (long story there).

I have had enough drama to last the rest of the school year, at least, but I am sure it is not over.  Hopefully we can now find a good replacement for her new word, before summer break when she will be extra stressed by the much less structured daycare routine and much more likely to be unable to control herself in public as well as at home.

I think all I need for Mother’s Day, is to never hear that word from my child’s mouth again!

Who needs social norms?

My sweet M enjoying a weekend cookout

We “neurotypicals” make life so stinkin’ difficult. Life is so full of social norms, we don’t usually think of most of them and could never list them all.  Of course, that isn’t how most people on the spectrum live.  In fact, that is a big part of the diagnosis criteria, the social difficulties.  But really, why do we say there is something “wrong” with someone who does not understand or observe all of the inane little rules we make for ourselves?

Personally, I hate small talk.  I never know what to say and think I sound…well, lame.  I am happy to talk (to an individual or small group) on any topic I understand well, but I don’t want to stand around trying to come up with a question about a family I’ve never met or the weather.  I think a lot of that stems from my anxiety, since on a related note I also despise talking on the phone.  E-mail and text messaging were made for people like me.  I have a mini anxiety attack just calling to make a doctor’s appointment or order takeout (which is why I always make my husband order takeout, unless it is for Mexican then he makes me because I speak and understand some Spanish and can understand accents well).  Although it may throw me back for a second when I experience the openness of conversation with an autistic person (due to the directness and lack of “filter”) I really find it refreshing and liberating.

Today M was telling me that now that she has learned to tie her shoes she thinks she is ready to live on her own.  Not that she wants to be away from me, she clarified, but she thinks she will soon be ready and she likes to be alone.  (This is the same kid who often tells me she will never go to college and wants to live at home forever).  My solution is that when she grows up she can live next door.  (I don’t want to think about any of my kids ever leaving me!). To which she replied (very matter-of-factly) “well, if you’re still alive.  You might die before that.  I hope you don’t, but you never know.” I gave the automatic response “of course I will be alive”.  But then, I have to be very direct and honest with M, with her concrete thinking and distaste for anything even seeming like pretend or not real most of the time.  She told me “you don’t KNOW that, you could die any time”.  Hmmm…true. 

It is still kind of funny to me sometimes that she can talk about things like that with no emotion attached.  It is factual, black and white, not emotional.  Which is not to say she doesn’t love me or would be any less grieved than her sisters if I were to pass away, it’s just that we are conditioned to not want to think about or talk about these things, where M needs to be correct and factual, not to be told what we think sounds nice.

It definitely makes me think twice about my interactions.  I really dislike how so few people are capable of handling someone really being true with them.   We automatically get defensive at anything we don’t want to hear and tune out the possibility that the other person is just speaking truth and not attacking us.  And so we are often fake with each other, even people who we are close with probably “nicer” and less “truthful” than we should be.  But so many autistics I know just tell it how it is and take truth from our mouths (true, maybe I won’t be alive but hopefully I will be) rather than our socially acceptable fake speak (of course I will be alive). 

I am still getting used to it, but I like it.  She gets the information she needs and moves on.  So tell me why it is we think the social skills aspect of Autism is so wrong?  I think maybe these people we want to treat, the square pegs to fit into the round holes, are more right than we are.  Maybe we need to fit our round selves into square holes once in a while.  I think Neurodiversity is wonderful and can teach us all more about ourselves and what is really important, social skills or honesty?

Taylor Swift

My girl with a newly lost tooth

I can’t write about M without writing about Taylor Swift.  Her current obsession is Taylor Swift.  Her first obsession was fire trucks, then she added The Beatles.  She still loves those things, but her current consuming passion is Taylor Swift.

This past summer at daycare an older girl was “teaching” M and a couple other younger girls a dance routine to Taylor Swift’s “Santa Baby”. The obsession started with this one song, which we had to listen to over & over & over. It was one thing that would calm M when she was anxious or upset. K had a couple of her albums and over time she moved from just the one song to anything Taylor Swift. She currently has all of her albums (she got Red from me for Valentines Day, and it is her favorite Album. Fearless is her 2nd favorite). She will sometimes still ask for The Beatles, but other than that she never wants to listen to anything else. She dressed up as Taylor Swift for Halloween. She has the Scholastic autobiography and 2 biography DVDs, the deluxe versions of two of the albums with DVD videos, a tour photo book for Fearless and a T-shirt.

M says Taylor Swift is the best singer in the world ever, and when we talk about how God gives everyone different gifts she says “like he gave Taylor Swift the gift of being the best singer ever”. Last year she got her hair cut short because it bothered her brushing on her back, but now she is letting it grow out again so it will look like Taylor Swift’s. She has Taylor Swift posters on her walls & ceiling around her bed (she has the top bunk in her and A’s room). She wears cowboy boots to look like Taylor Swift and practices singing so she can sing like her one day.

She knows a few girls who are going to a nearby Taylor Swift concert soon. She doesn’t understand why she isn’t going and doesn’t think it’s fair. But I know that no matter how much she loves the music and would love to see Taylor Swift live, she could not handle a concert. So many people, so loud and chaotic…I almost go into sensory overload just thinking about it. I so wish she could go, and maybe one day she will be close enough to being able to handle it that I could take her, but that won’t be any time soon. In the meantime she blares the music through her headphones to help her get to sleep at night, and at least she has a positive role model. I use it as a teaching tool how you can do anything you put your mind to, you just have to work hard, develop your talents and don’t get discouraged.

There are definitely worse obsessions she could have. At least she likes The Beatles and Taylor Swift…A likes to listen to Yo Gabba Gabba! 😛

Halloween 2012, M (long blond wig of course) dressed as Taylor Swift

Social Skills

M and her best friend

When M was younger (2, 3 even 4 years old) she was petrified of other people, even children.  She got along well enough with the other kids at daycare, and had been with almost all of them since they were infants.  But if there were new children in Sunday School, or if a child tried to talk to her or play with her somewhere like the playground or the zoo, she would scream loudly and hide behind me.  I never knew what to say to the child and parent, I always felt so bad that she hurt their feelings, and at the time she did not yet have a diagnosis to explain her behavior.

Adults always wanted to say hello to her and give her little trinkets because she is so pretty (petite blond girls get a lot of attention) but she would run away from them and hide, or cry.  I always graciously accepted the necklace/coin/etc on her behalf and say she was very shy.  Once she was in OT the therapist noticed if some other child was in the same gym she ignored them completely and didn’t even look at them or acknowledge their existence.

At the beginning of school this year, standing outside waiting for the school doors to open she would hiss at the other students, growl at them and hide behind me.  She had no friends, no one played with her and she stood alone by the para pro and cried for me during recess.  After she started the Risperdone in late October she stopped hissing, growling and hiding.  Around the same time we had her first conferences.  Her teacher told me that all of the other children liked M and wanted to be friends with her, but she refused to play with them.  Sometimes she would play with one child but when two were playing together she refused to join them.

Eventually M got better.  Her social skills are still not great, but she does have a few children she enjoys playing with.  Her difficulty reading social skills really feeds into her anxiety, and simple things such as losing a game or being touched can make her very upset.  She does a lot of parallel play but she loves to play games and can sometimes follow other children’s’ leads and play together, especially if it is her best friend, who she got to have a play date with today.  She still prefers to play with the para pro at recess but also will play on her own or play a game with one or two other children.

Also today, M had a “meet you there”, where her class got together (those who wanted to) at the movie theater for a free movie.  She sat next to one girl who she likes because they have a lot of similar difficulties and because this girl’s mother and I have become friends.  They talked some and enjoyed sitting together.  She also called out hello to the other children as they came into the theater.  It was good to see her interact with other children, even if much of it was superficial.

The center where M attended OT does have social skills classes that they recommended for M, but at least for right now we are not going to go that route.  Many children with Asperger’s, especially females, want to make friends but don’t know how.  M does not have the desire (most of the time) to have friends.  She wants people to be nice to her, but other than her best friend she is OK with ignoring people most of the time.  She cries for her best friend when they haven’t seen each other in a while.  Since her social situation does not bother her, we are happy too.  She is very good at using her manners unless she is too anxious to talk.  The rest of it is just who she is and I love her the way she is, I have no desire to “fix” her or change her.  If some day she wants to know how to make friends, read social cues or be able to “appropriately” respond to people in public then we may go the social skills class route.  In the mean time, I am very nappy to have a quiet girl who does not hiss at people anymore.

Odds & Ends

I have so much to write about.

It has been such a full, hectic week.

I have not written the last two days, and I must write today.  I will write more on these topics later, but for tonight, here is a snapshot of what has happened in our family this week.

Tuesday night (Wednesday morning) I went to bed at 1am…end of the semester, so I was up doing homework.  At 4am my Honey cat woke me up to let me know she was ready to have her kittens, and she wanted me with her!  She had 4 beautiful kittens.  We love them so much, but taking care of the mama and babies is proving to be more difficult than I expected.  She keeps trying to hide them inside our box springs!

Yesterday, M`s glasses came in.  Today she got to wear the to school for the first time and said she was able to see better and her eyes didn’t hurt as much.  They look amazing, too.  Hopefully this is an answer we have been praying for, to make school easier and more enjoyable for M.

Also yesterday, A had her first soccer practice.  This is her first time participating in a sport, and I am a little worried about her asthma.  Yesterday was great, though.  She loved it, her best friend is on her team, and she did a great job.  Maybe she will be a super star like her sister!  Then again, she sure enjoyed socializing and goofing off.  I do love that she is her own unique, wonderful person.

And tonight we got to celebrate K by attending the Carson Scholar’s banquet, as she is a 3 time scholar (she has been recognized every year possible.)  This year she even got her picture taken with Dr. Carson and he signed her copy of Gifted Hands.  He is such a wonderful, inspirational person.  This scholarship takes into account academics (scholars must have at least a 3.75 gpa with recommendations from teacher and principal), extra curricular activities and most of all, “great humanitarian work”.  I am so proud of my first born daughter.

So that is a highlight of the biggest events of our week.  It has been quite exciting at our house.  We are hoping for a calmer weekend!

Food fight

Everything is finger food…thankfully this is a bagel. 🙂

One common issue with an Autism Spectrum Disorder is food.  Many children on the spectrum will only eat food of certain colors or textures or even limit themselves to as few as one or two particular foods for long periods of time.  For a while when M was younger she avoided some food textures, especially soft or squishy foods, but for the most part she has been a great eater and we have not had to worry about her diet and nutrition.  In fact, last summer she tried crawfish, and loved it!  Now she wants to go to Red Lobster for her next birthday (sigh…McDonalds was so much cheaper!  lol)  The main side effect of her medication is weight gain, and she did gain 6 lbs in 4 weeks, but after that the weight gain stopped and she had previously been a little under weight, so the doctor was actually really happy with that.  He credits her ability to maintain a healthy weight with her high activity level and most of all her healthy diet…she loves fresh fruits and vegetables!

So we have not had issues with WHAT she will eat…our issues have been with HOW she eats. When M was a toddler, she was a legend among our family and at the daycare she attended.  People still talk about her, and the way she ate.  She was the MESSIEST CHILD EVER!  I am not exaggerating.  Anything that went into her mouth she had to spit out, touch, then finally put back into her mouth to finish eating.  She never used utensils and even with her hands was not very accurate at getting the food into her mouth.  It went everywhere.  She needed a bath after every meal.  I work with infants and toddlers, and I know that some of them, especially the ones that really love their food, can be a real mess sometimes.  But M was a disaster at every meal, far past the time she should have been using utensils and eating neatly.  At least she did not disappoint for the big first birthday cake photo.  My oldest daughter neatly ate hers without a mess at all…no good photo/blackmail opps.  M, on the other hand, was a beautiful mess.  It was a lot of fun!  🙂

By the time M went to Occupational Therapy shortly before age 4, she would use utensils sometimes, only if they had plastic handles.  Restaurants have been a nightmare for several reasons, but one of the reasons at that time was that if I forgot to bring a plastic handled fork in my purse especially for M, she would have a meltdown and not eat.  She was still very messy.  By the time she finished her first round of OT about 6 months later she was, although not super neat, still a much cleaner eater and better with her utensils.  I’m not exactly sure when it happened, I think around the time M started school this year, she stopped needing plastic handles on her utensils.  M still often has food on her clothes after a meal, sometimes even all over her pants and shirt.  Tonight she had tilapia in her hair.  But overall she is much better.

The past few months, M has pretty much stopped using her utensils again.  I am not sure how much of this is fine motor difficulty, how much of it is sensory related, and how much (if any) of it is related to her eyes not working together.  It will be interesting to see if she is able to use utensils again after she gets used to her glasses (which should come in in the next day or so).  It was pretty odd to watch her tonight eating her dinner (tilapia, potatoes and peas & carrots) entirely with her hands.  She even scooped the panko breading (insisting it looked “gross”) off her fish with her fingers.  Yuck!  I will take it, though.  I would much rather have a 5 year old who eats with her hands than face some of the food challenges so many other parents have to work with.