Parenting a spectrum of girls

Social Skills

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M and her best friend

When M was younger (2, 3 even 4 years old) she was petrified of other people, even children.  She got along well enough with the other kids at daycare, and had been with almost all of them since they were infants.  But if there were new children in Sunday School, or if a child tried to talk to her or play with her somewhere like the playground or the zoo, she would scream loudly and hide behind me.  I never knew what to say to the child and parent, I always felt so bad that she hurt their feelings, and at the time she did not yet have a diagnosis to explain her behavior.

Adults always wanted to say hello to her and give her little trinkets because she is so pretty (petite blond girls get a lot of attention) but she would run away from them and hide, or cry.  I always graciously accepted the necklace/coin/etc on her behalf and say she was very shy.  Once she was in OT the therapist noticed if some other child was in the same gym she ignored them completely and didn’t even look at them or acknowledge their existence.

At the beginning of school this year, standing outside waiting for the school doors to open she would hiss at the other students, growl at them and hide behind me.  She had no friends, no one played with her and she stood alone by the para pro and cried for me during recess.  After she started the Risperdone in late October she stopped hissing, growling and hiding.  Around the same time we had her first conferences.  Her teacher told me that all of the other children liked M and wanted to be friends with her, but she refused to play with them.  Sometimes she would play with one child but when two were playing together she refused to join them.

Eventually M got better.  Her social skills are still not great, but she does have a few children she enjoys playing with.  Her difficulty reading social skills really feeds into her anxiety, and simple things such as losing a game or being touched can make her very upset.  She does a lot of parallel play but she loves to play games and can sometimes follow other children’s’ leads and play together, especially if it is her best friend, who she got to have a play date with today.  She still prefers to play with the para pro at recess but also will play on her own or play a game with one or two other children.

Also today, M had a “meet you there”, where her class got together (those who wanted to) at the movie theater for a free movie.  She sat next to one girl who she likes because they have a lot of similar difficulties and because this girl’s mother and I have become friends.  They talked some and enjoyed sitting together.  She also called out hello to the other children as they came into the theater.  It was good to see her interact with other children, even if much of it was superficial.

The center where M attended OT does have social skills classes that they recommended for M, but at least for right now we are not going to go that route.  Many children with Asperger’s, especially females, want to make friends but don’t know how.  M does not have the desire (most of the time) to have friends.  She wants people to be nice to her, but other than her best friend she is OK with ignoring people most of the time.  She cries for her best friend when they haven’t seen each other in a while.  Since her social situation does not bother her, we are happy too.  She is very good at using her manners unless she is too anxious to talk.  The rest of it is just who she is and I love her the way she is, I have no desire to “fix” her or change her.  If some day she wants to know how to make friends, read social cues or be able to “appropriately” respond to people in public then we may go the social skills class route.  In the mean time, I am very nappy to have a quiet girl who does not hiss at people anymore.

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