I know everyone says this but…seriously, where did the time go? And why won’t they stop growing up so fast?
I am posting late (and short) tonight because I am preparing for a mom to mom sale. Finally getting rid of some of the baby clothes (we have SO MUCH to get rid of), but it is a LOT of work if you want to do it right. Going through all of these clothes is hard, though. Before I could hardly get rid of anything but now that its been a while since any of them have worn these clothes its a little easier to get rid of most of them. Still, I remember when they were so tiny. I wouldn’t miss their current stages (11, 5 and 3) for anything, but I also miss those baby years. Also until A was 2 I worked full time…like, 9 hours a day plus commute time, 4 days a week (5 days before A was born) and I missed too much. Financially I needed to work, but I finally couldn’t take my high stress corporate job anymore and moved to more gratifying, meaningful and part time work. But I mourn for all of those years, all of the things I missed. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom but caring for your children’s basic needs is most important.
Hind sight is also 20/20. There were things I noticed different about M at the time like not laughing, babbling or crawling, very repetitive and rigid in routine…but other things I can see now looking back that I couldn’t see then. The biggest one is the shutting down. When she was 4 she started to completely shut down, would not move, blink or speak for periods of time when overwhelmed. It was so scary! Other times were not as bad but she wouldn’t hear us talking to her or move away from what she was doing and had a vacant expression. She still does these things and then (or when she is stimming or displaying a lot of scripting or echolallia I know she is in “autism world” and not here with us. Now when I look back at pictures I see so many from all ages where she has a vacant stare, and I know she was in the autism world then, too. It makes me sad to realize she wasn’t even present for the moment and I didn’t realize it. I was totally missing or misreading her cues.
But now I know, and we move on. I couldn’t always be there then but now I have a flexible part time job working in early childhood where my girls can come to work with me. And although we won’t get those baby and toddler years back I try hard to appreciate all of the moments and milestones now, because I know when I go through clothes again next year, I want to have fewer regrets.