Parenting a spectrum of girls

Posts tagged ‘daughters’

Where did it go?

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Me & my girls goofing off, pretending to be zombies (K is obsessed with zombies)

I know everyone says this but…seriously, where did the time go?  And why won’t they stop growing up so fast?

I am posting late (and short) tonight because I am preparing for a mom to mom sale.  Finally getting rid of some of the baby clothes (we have SO MUCH to get rid of), but it is a LOT of work if you want to do it right.  Going through all of these clothes is hard, though.  Before I could hardly get rid of anything but now that its been a while since any of them have worn these clothes its a little easier to get rid of most of them.  Still, I remember when they were so tiny.  I wouldn’t miss their current stages (11, 5 and 3) for anything, but I also miss those baby years.  Also until A was 2 I worked full time…like, 9 hours a day plus commute time, 4 days a week (5 days before A was born) and I missed too much.  Financially I needed to work, but I finally couldn’t take my high stress corporate job anymore and moved to more gratifying, meaningful and part time work.  But I mourn for all of those years, all of the things I missed.  I always wanted to be a stay at home mom but caring for your children’s basic needs is most important.

Hind sight is also 20/20.  There were things I noticed different about M at the time like not laughing, babbling or crawling, very repetitive and rigid in routine…but other things I can see now looking back that I couldn’t see then.  The biggest one is the shutting down.  When she was 4 she started to completely shut down, would not move, blink or speak for periods of time when overwhelmed.  It was so scary!  Other times were not as bad but she wouldn’t hear us talking to her or move away from what she was doing and had a vacant expression.  She still does these things and then (or when she is stimming or displaying a lot of scripting or echolallia I know she is in “autism world” and not here with us.  Now when I look back at pictures I see so many from all ages where she has a vacant stare, and I know she was in the autism world then, too.  It makes me sad to realize she wasn’t even present for the moment and I didn’t realize it.  I was totally missing or misreading her cues.

But now I know, and we move on.  I couldn’t always be there then but now I have a flexible part time job working in early childhood where my girls can come to work with me.  And although we won’t get those baby and toddler years back I try hard to appreciate all of the moments and milestones now, because I know when I go through clothes again next year, I want to have fewer regrets.

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One of those days

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The end of a long, hard day

I totally had a better, more organized and educational post ready to write today.  It was all about why I am thankful for M’s stims and obsessions.  But that was at about 7:30am and the day definitely went down hill after that, so I don’t have the concentration to write that post right now.  So what you’re getting is the jumble of a confused mama after a rough day and strange week.

Monday we dropped K off at school to head to 6th grade camp for the week.  I was prepared for this to be a rough week because of that.  M had a very rough drop off Monday because of that.  But once she calmed down she had a good report from school.  At home…
Wow.

It was such an amazing day.  We haven’t had a day that good since at LEAST April.  A couple very short minor outbursts about school but no meltdowns, no name calling or aggression.  It was so peaceful.  Like life without Aspergers.  She and her little sister colored pictures, helped me make dinner and were wonderful for the babysitter after I left for school.  I haven’t felt that light and stress free in a long time.

The rest of the week had been, well, not Monday.  I finally ended up telling that mom at school that M has Aspergers, because I could tell she’d had it with M growling and hissing at her daughter.  She seems much more understanding. 

Then came today.  Again at drop off she was hissing and growling at everyone waiting for the school to open.  Yesterday she chilled out by listening to Taylor Swift (her latest obsession) through her comfy new headphones until the doors opened.  Today she would not do that.  I did get her to walk to the classroom on her own, though.

M initially had problems getting in trouble especially at rest time, until the new aide suggested she be allowed to use her fidgets during that time and we took in her weighted blanket, then she was fine.

Today at pick up she said she had a good day.  Turns out she was getting in trouble again at rest, worse than before.  I also got a long note from the teacher that pretty much boils down to the fact that recess has been a mess for M all year.  She spends most of the time crying and will not play with the other kids.  M does have social and imaginative play delays.  She can parallel play and sometimes play with one other person if she can script.  She can not play or socialize with groups of 2 or more kids.  When I ask M about her day none of this comes up.  And she tells me bizarre things that I know are not true.  I obviously can’t rely on her for information about her day.

And then the day got worse.  She wouldn’t leave daycare later when I finished work, it took half an hour to catch her & carry her kicking and spitting to the car.  She kept getting out of her seat belt and crawling around the car on the way home.  When we got home she hit her sister twice, the cat once, and threw her sister’s oranges on the floor then ate them off the floor. 
But oh no, that’s not the worst.
At all.
She grabbed a pair of scissors when we walked in the door.  I’m not sure what she was going to do with them but I know it wasn’t good.  I chased her to her top bunk bed and wrestled them away from her.  Then spent 15 minutes keeping her from jumping off the top bunk.
And then she had counseling, where among other things she hit & kicked her counselor.
Thankfully the counselor now agrees she needs medication.
Good thing we have an appointment in a week and a half.

We talked about balancing understanding she has special needs and can’t control herself with having expectations, not letting her terrorize us and teaching her to control herself.

I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.
So I feel like a failure as a parent
And like I’ve failed at special education before I’ve begun.
If I can’t control my own kid, how can I help others?

I’m sure it’s just the bad day talking.  I took away her ability to watch a Taylor Swift DVD tonight.  When she realized she wasn’t getting to get her way no matter what she went in the basement with her blanket and body pillow, curled up in the old glider rocker and fell asleep.  Our sweet kitty curled up on her.  Now she is in bed but keeps babbling in her sleep.  My husband said all he could make out was “Taylor Swift”.

Tomorrow will be better!  Parenting a child on the Autism Spectrum is certainly the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  But I love her and am so proud of her.  And I won’t stop working to help her be happy and able to function successfully in society.

In the mean time, I keep praying for more days like Monday!

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